The Elephant in the Room

GETTING PERSONAL There's so much of my spiritual path/story that I haven't yet shared on this blog or social media. Not because I feel the need to hide it, I'm not particularly attached to privacy even, but because I'm still living it each and every moment. The implications not yet seen, the fullness of understanding not yet known. And yet the more I walk this path, this world, the less and less the need to understand, the need for certainty seems to matter to me. These days I find the words are there less and less. The *need* to communicate less and less. But somehow these last few weeks it feels like there's an elephant in the room that I've not been addressing, in the past few months its been somewhat stopping me from publicly writing more than a few snippets here and there. More and more my private writings seem to be addressing this. There's been a shift in my focus, but somehow to talk of it I feel the need to contextualise it with my story a bit more. Two and a half years ago I experienced a life shattering shift (just over a year after the first…

Continue ReadingThe Elephant in the Room

Freedom to Freely BE

I don’t require you to be anyone to turn up switch on to be someone Here in this space I have no use for concepts and opinions assertions and knowledge here in this space we can just BE Be as we are naked and vulnerable strong and fiery broken and lost angry or sad joy-filled and blissful or nothing at all Here in this space we can explore the depth of humanity traverse the fields of experiencing sit in this divine Isness of life but most of all be free free to be free to be without attributes free to be whatever and whoever we are free to sink into this moment again and again and again

Continue ReadingFreedom to Freely BE

10 Years Ago Today…

10 years ago today Maharishi Mahesh Yogi died. I remember the day clearly, we were in the Dominican Republic on a holiday marking our 1st year wedding anniversary. I turned on the TV (probably the only time I did) to see it on the BBC news tick-a-tape completely out of the blue - “THE BEATLES GURU DIES”. At the time we were living in the epicentre of Maharishi’s Transcendental Meditation (TM) moment in the US; Fairfield, Iowa, the place we had called home for the last 2 years, and would go on calling home for the next 7 almost 8 years. But TM was much more to me, it was something that shaped and formed my whole life, my formative years, something that I had inherited, 20 minutes twice a day, as natural to me as brushing my teeth, I never knew life without it. I learnt TM when I was six years old, I had attended the Maharishi School in the UK, I had worked and lived in amongst TMers, both in the UK and the US for most of my life. My mother was a TM teacher from the 70s, almost all of my friends were TMers, I…

Continue Reading10 Years Ago Today…

Raw Unadulterated Living

I have gone from living the (American) dream... good job, beautiful house, wonderful friends, two beloved cats, more stuff than we could ever want or need, plentiful money, gorgeous and loving husband - I wanted for nothing… and now I have nothing (except the husband of course 😜 I’ve still got him thankfully). We have no home – not even a real base, we move from house sit to house sit every few weeks, new place, not knowing anyone, not knowing the area, living out of a hand luggage suitcase. No money to speak of – most people would be shock at how little we live on right now, no possessions - I literally mean it when I say all we have is a hand luggage suitcase each that fits all our stuff, no friends or people we hang out with (because of the said nomadic lifestyle) – just us two 24/7. Nothing really that we need or have to do, no purpose or meaning, no ambition and drive, no desires. And yet I'm the happiest I’ve ever been. So happy I could cry sometimes with overflowing gratitude and love for life as it is. This lifestyle isn’t for everyone,…

Continue ReadingRaw Unadulterated Living

Two Years On…

It’s been almost two years since I had the Shaktipat Transmission that led to a massive awakening and fundamental shift in perspective and I just now feel like I’m getting the hang of this groove - the groove that has no particular way of being in its expression, anything can and does show up in my experience of daily life. However to say that this doesn’t have some general overarching characteristics and themes isn’t to say the whole story. When I had the transmission the immediate aftermath and reaction was good - for about two weeks - joyfully experiencing, pervasive and expansive silence and insights into the nature of existence, the nature of life, were bountiful, it was like an excited child exploring its new world for the first time. Then the first wave of 'detox' from the personal small self came, it was as if that joyful inquisitive experiencing of the world turned bad, the mind ‘attacked’, doubts and questions of whys and hows were abound. My mind was trying to ‘get it’. Every concept, every word, every experience was questioned for its validity in my experience, so much so it became distressing. I remember the best advice that…

Continue ReadingTwo Years On…

Compassion of The Heart

Again and again life has recently been showing up with this question of what is compassion? What is love? Compassion can look like a lot of different things, but for the moment I wanted to talk about compassion for those around you that act in ways that you don’t understand, don’t like and don’t find their behaviour to be acceptable at all – maybe they’re behaving like a complete asshole.

The most compassionate thing you can do is not write them off. Bring them into your heart. Their asshole-ness is covering up a non-acceptance of Self in themselves. When you accept your whole Self, when you accept all that you are and all that you experience, all the ‘world’, then you aren’t rejecting anything. You aren’t creating a sense of separation – all is you. So pull into your heart that someone, see that (more…)

Continue ReadingCompassion of The Heart

Just for a Moment

Keep letting go that dogged determination of seeking whether it be experiences and pleasure-seeking better and more ‘stuff’ vaster and deeper knowledge more experienced and valued skills let it all go just for a moment and experience this moment. Experience what it is to live life as awareness unadorned with the commentary of the mind theres nothing to get rid of, no bad thought all must be held in the tender embrace of acceptance for the real blossoming of life lived in truth and freedom to be recognised as your birthright all along.

Continue ReadingJust for a Moment

Awakening Is Not Like Baking A Cake

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you have to do XY&Z in order to realise the Self…. as if it's like a cake that you put all the exact ingredients in the bowl in the right order and put it in the oven and ping, you have yourself a perfect cake. Except it doesn’t work like that, that's the mind’s imaginings of what it is. What I’m talking about is prior to the mind, and therefore can’t be grasped by the mind. Anything the mind thinks it knows or understands about this is just the mind imagining what it thinks. It’s not an adding to, it’s not a changing of, its a realisation of that which you cannot NOT be, that which you already are, that which you always were, that which you always will be whether you realise it or not. It’s like waking up from a dream; before… you were in the dream and you didn’t realise that you were dreaming, but you were. Then you wake up and realise it was a dream. It doesn’t change the dream, the dream is still there, playing out at it was, but you realise you…

Continue ReadingAwakening Is Not Like Baking A Cake

I Am

I don’t have any designs to be a teacher, or even a student, to be anything or anyone. I simply am. Living this life in the present moment of pure grace and spontaneity, meeting each and every moment with the fullness of my heart and the truth of this moment as I know it. Never is there anything to be rejected or avoided, never is there anything to be clung to and grasped; all is perfectly playing out on this stage of experiencing. For who am I that can possibly DO any of this, who could claim any ownership of this moment? What this isn’t is some spiritual pose, some ‘way’ of being. This is just a description of what naturally happens when the dropping of all pretences, the dropping of any held view, the total openness of Sahaja, the natural state, when What-Is is.

Continue ReadingI Am

Looking with Childlike Wonder

We tend put value judgements on what we want any given moment to look like, and so when the present moment doesn’t look like how we want then we seek to change it; we seek for the ‘good’ to stay and the ‘bad’ to go. This futile seeking to change the here and now causes immense suffering because life can look like anything.

And yet in reality good or bad it doesn’t matter, it all comes, it all goes, nothing stays around for very long. NOTHING. If we can sink into the reality of that for a moment we can see the futility of trying to hold on to anything; then the peace and sense of freedom that opens up in its wake is quite glorious. The physical feeling of tension and heaviness is lifted, the space of being right here right now is felt. Nothing to change, nothing to do, nothing to be. (more…)

Continue ReadingLooking with Childlike Wonder

Embracing Life

Look at the world as if you know nothing, don’t draw any conclusions about what you experience, or who you are.   Innocently move through life experiencing what is without the burdens of ideas, judgements and conclusions.   Take each moment a fresh, knowing that this moment will never be again.   Lovingly embrace each experience of life, how lucky we are to have the play of life grace us with its beauty and light.   Embrace all, reject nothing - see that you are the master of none but the father/mother of all.

Continue ReadingEmbracing Life

Personal ‘I’ vs Awareness ‘I’

There’s an assumption that when I say “you are awareness/consciousness” that I’m talking of I-personal/ego/individual I/you. Firstly I want to clarify that when I speak of I/me/you in conjunction with awareness I’m talking of the non-personal ‘I’ that is consciousness. That is awareness. The you (big Self, I-I) that IS awareness-consciousness.

It seems to be common that when someone realizes that who they took themselves to be (the mind-body ‘I’) is untrue, it’s seen that at the heart of experiencing there is nothingness/emptiness/awareness. This is true. But I urge you to not stop there, look/inquire deeper into this recognition.

(more…)

Continue ReadingPersonal ‘I’ vs Awareness ‘I’

The Lion Roars

Wow I feel like a lion has been unleashed. This brutal honesty in service of truth that cuts with the precision of a well known blade is quite a surprise to me. This sharp intellect that can spar and duel with words unknown to me, spilling out like nobodies business. There’s still a tendency that’s been around all my life – that when confronted with an assertion by someone, to shy away, to back down without even looking, to assume that they must be right… "who am I after all? I know nothing." But I’m finding this tendency more and more untenable. There’s a nauseating energy, I guess we would call it adrenaline, that surges in me and so this hiding, this backing down from looking to my own experience doesn’t last. It’s like I cannot NOT look to see if what is being said is true – no matter how much the tendency to hide from that looking still shows up. And so I find myself, for the first time in my life, facing full-faced to what life is showing me. Responding to the assertions of others, looking at the fabric of what they are saying. And… well then the…

Continue ReadingThe Lion Roars

Stand in Truth

I stand in truth. Can I accept that I may be judged, I may be questioned, I may be ridiculed? Can I accept that, can I be brave? Can I stand in my own truth, without qualification and explanation? Can I stand sure, knowing that it’s the right thing, it’s the only thing? Can I stand in truth, unashamedly without reason, and with no excuse? Can I stand up for mySelf, stand tall for the realisation of my very being? Can I stand up for the truth of my own reality that I know so well, so intimately? Can I live my life without the influence of shoulds and should nots? Can I say to hell with it all and be as I am? Can I stand in all my glory, warts and all, honest and vulnerable? Can I accept all of it, every aspect of me, every aspect of life, can I embrace it into my heart without exception? So I stand in my truth and in turn encourage others to stand in theirs. For it’s the most loving thing I can do for myself and others. Drop all the games, all the masks, all the pretences, all the…

Continue ReadingStand in Truth

Living the Obvious

Life has become about living; living not in past regrets or future worries but life lived in this moment... None of the second guessing, the questioning, the “is the right thing?”, or shoulds and should nots. The age old - before awakening, chop-wood-carry-water and after awakening, chop-wood-carry-water is so so true it's laughable. Being a seeker you imagine some different 'state' where everything will be beautiful and blissful – life will be perfect. Well… life is perfect, but not in that way, perfect in that it IS. It’s happening exactly as it is, nothing to do, nothing to change, nothing to be; even in amongst every imaginable phenomenal occurrence. That’s where the miracle of life is to be found, in the very ordinariness of existence. You are, and always have been exactly what you seek. You are the freedom that was/is always here, it’s only a matter of seeing through the trees of ‘personhood’ to see that the ‘person’ that you take yourself to be is such an incredibly limited and narrow view of you. We take ourselves to be the body; the body that has changed, morphed and grown since birth, the body that will die. We take ourselves…

Continue ReadingLiving the Obvious

The Attachment of Relationships

The image of relationships and enlightenment don't normally go hand in hand. The stereotyped image of the 'enlightened monk', shunning the material householder life is something that’s been around in spiritual traditions for a long time. So out of this there comes the common misconception that you can't be in a relationship and be successful on the 'spiritual path'. But being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that awakening can’t be there too. The relationship doesn’t have to go, only the attachment to the relationship has to go. Don't get me wrong, the result of that dropped attachment may actually be that the relationship ends. Ultimately that’s what was meant to happen, and all attachments do eventually fall away - what's left is what’s left, maybe the relationship will be there, maybe not. My own relationship has taught me that relationships in themselves aren't some obstructive thing that stops you from realizing your own nature. Having said that, I lived through the often painful dropping of the attachment to my relationship with my husband Martyn. We found ourselves at an impasse after he had a spiritual awakening that in the wake of he felt he could no longer be at the ashram where we were…

Continue ReadingThe Attachment of Relationships

This Suffering Will Pass

I feel your pain, your suffering. If I could, I'd tell you that this will pass, just as the clouds pass in the sky, just as the ripples of the dropped stone disappear, just as the passing wind that rustles the tree leaves, just as the forgotten pain of yesterdays cut finger, just as the heartbreak of first loves breakup, just as the treasured childhood wellington's long outgrown, just as the wishes of birthday candles past. Don’t hold on, for this too shall pass.

Continue ReadingThis Suffering Will Pass

Taste the Strawberry

I’m pretty much an open book these days, but I’m not some kind of spiritual google that people can ask any amount of questions and I give them the answers. Someone on twitter recently asked me “…does that mean people have no individual purpose?” A perfectly normal and unassuming question as questions go, but all of these questions, do they need to be answered? If you have the answer will it stop all questions, or will it just satisfy that particular question for a second then another one will fill it’s place? Is there a question that will end all questions? Is there an answer that will end all questions and answers? Will this cycle of questions and answers ever stop? Is there something in you that is nothing to do with questions and answers? (Wow, see how many questions I just asked there!!!) Throw out all questions, throw out all answers. They are just more of the same stuff, empty and meaningless. Keep quiet and see if any questions or answers come in this quietness of being. (more…)

Continue ReadingTaste the Strawberry

The Humanness of Existence

The utter humanness of existence cradles in it every possible emotion, sensation, feeling & thought. We can’t run from that, we can’t hide from that, we can’t avoid or resist that, and nor should we want to.

It’s our human experiencing that reveals the ever-changing world of perception that we live in – our ‘world’ is constantly being born and reborn in every moment. Embrace this change, embrace it as the play and display of awareness-consciousness (you). This play is set on the stage of pure open, unconditioned and ineffable awareness-consciousness. (more…)

Continue ReadingThe Humanness of Existence

Bliss Beyond the ‘Happiness Bliss’

This is not the bliss of happiness; the fleeting bliss of phenomenal experience, that shows up when nothing is rocking the boat, the bliss that’s dependent on the content of life being wonderful. It’s something deeper, something more fundamental, something ever-present. It’s like an immovable mountain; the very ground you walk on. It’s peaceful beyond the word peaceful. It’s the very fabric of you.

I didn’t notice it much until now; there have been plentiful moments of the kind of happiness bliss that we all know about, both since this realization and throughout my whole life. But this…I’ve had hints of it, I’ve sensed its unceasing presence; it’s completely without words that can describe it. The nearest thing I know to say is to use the word bliss, but it feels far more primordial than that word can grasp.
(more…)

Continue ReadingBliss Beyond the ‘Happiness Bliss’

You Are Aware

You are the awareness that’s witnessing the comings & goings of life. You have no qualities, no attributes other than you are aware – you’re not an object that can be described. There’s nothing that can show up that can disturb you - for you just ARE. Notice that you're observing even the thought or feeling of an 'I' that wants to identify what's showing up and why it's showing up. In this recognition you realize that anything can show up, nothing can be avoided or gotten rid of, life doesn’t need to ‘look’ a certain way, because you are simply aware. You are that awareness, you have always been awareness, you cannot NOT be awareness, for you are aware. Notice that all that I say is not a prescription for something to do, rather is a description of how it is; you need no instruction or ‘practice’ to be aware. And so you say “but it’s not always like this”, but it is… are you not always here, always aware? Do you-awareness need anything, does the feeling of peace, space, bliss or lack of thoughts need to be there in order for you to be aware? Are you not aware even when sadness or anger…

Continue ReadingYou Are Aware

Nothing More Than This

There’s nothing more than this…. and yet people spend their lives convinced that they’re missing something, not getting something, not where they’re supposed to be, not doing what they’re supposed to be doing. Pretty much focused on everything BUT This, what IS, the present-moment experience.

There’s something in the mind that’s compelled to go with the seeking energy for that ‘greener grass’ over yonder. This constant looking/seeking motion that pulls your attention out of the very now is derived from the attachment to the idea of how life ‘should’ look. Ultimately this is where suffering shows up, where there’s a disparity between how life should look, i.e. your expectations, and the reality of what is actually happening. But if for a moment you can set aside this seeking, this outward searching movement to fulfill expectations and desires, and look to your own experience prior to words and descriptions in this very moment – is there anything lacking here? (more…)

Continue ReadingNothing More Than This

Awareness

No questions No answers No effort No doing No practice No deciding No letting go No coming No going No descriptions No disconnection No suffering No story No universe No god No you No me Awareness is aware

Continue ReadingAwareness

Go Beyond the Qualities, to the Recognition of You

When you experience an awakening – the recognition of the primordial nature of awareness, you’re centerless center; often what comes with it are things such as relief, spaciousness, invincibility, freedom, few thoughts and even bliss. It’s quite easy to then start identifying with those qualities as something that has to be present to indicate your new found ‘awakening’.

This can lead you down the path of trouble, because as you go about your life you’ll naturally start to bump into the different flavours of living, some nice and some not so nice. You might start experiencing what you might call ‘afflictive thoughts’ or intense feelings & sensations. Maybe the feeling of invincibility and spaciousness feels like it has lessened or disappeared. This can lead you feel that you’ve lost ‘it’. You then try all that you can think of to get back to those wonderful qualities that you experienced; all the while trying to avoid the shitty thoughts and feelings that are coming up. (more…)

Continue ReadingGo Beyond the Qualities, to the Recognition of You