I want to share what’s been going on with me recently, mainly so that people who’ve been working with me, or following my journey and work over the years can understand where I’m at right now. I’ve always aimed to be as open and transparent as possible, but more importantly because I see the universality of this process that I find myself in too.
And so I hope this blog post can be helpful to others, to encourage us all to lean into what life calls of us rather than trying to find a way around it or even try to bypass it altogether. I encourage you to open up further instead of withdrawing and closing off from a painful process or part of yourself. It’s the opening that leads to greater strength and clarity, greater freedom and grounding in one’s Self, greater acceptance and love.
But I also recognise we are each only able to open when we’re able to open, just as the fruit falls from the tree when it’s ripe. So this transmission of words is to all of you that find yourself in a position of ripeness. A position of life asking to meet whatever darkness lays within you so that you may step forth into your fullness.
Spiraling Back Through Old Trauma
So what I find myself being faced with right now is a deep dark core trauma that is working its way out of my system. A trauma field that has shaped and informed me and my life through what feels like a long ancestral line of this energetic footprint. I’ve found this trauma too subtle, too all-pervading to even put words or a single narrative to. I found that it had to be still subtly subtly held at a distance and therefore with some sense of unclarity until now because it was too vast, too big, too dark that it would have very likely overwhelmed my system beyond reconciliation.
Trauma that I naively thought I’d already met but have discovered over the years it’s more like a spiral – you keep meeting it again and again but in a new light, in a subtler and deeper sense, where you find a new perspective each time you cycle around to it. Each time my system adjusts, opens further, until now where I’ve reached the point where my system is asking for the whole of this un-native trauma energy to be uprooted, so that all parts of myself on all levels that have been cut off as a protection mechanism can be truly brought back into my system. Let me be clear, this is not obvious surface level stuff I’m talking about, it’s incredibly subtle and slippery to see, let alone name. But it’s time. I’m ready, it’s ready.
Slowing Down for the Process
The last few weeks I’ve been walking through a big and profound unraveling that’s requiring me to really really slow down and conserve my energy and focus for this process as it takes a lot of space and tenderness to walk through. It takes a real vigilance of awareness, a total focus on the present moment to allow for what is pushing up into the light of awareness. It requires me to set very good boundaries with my energy as this stuff in this particular energy field I’ve found to be very wily and dense, leaving me shaky, vulnerable and exhausted. I wholeheartedly welcome this process, but it’s not an easy one to walk through.
So as such I’ve found myself much less available to others for the moment, particularly for Satsang meetings and 1-1 sessions as with these types of sessions I find that I am having to entirely leave aside the process I’m going through as I give the person(s) I sit with the whole undivided focus of my energy and attention.
Interestingly the transmissions are a different matter altogether as I’ve actually found them to be very energetically nourishing for me. They seem to help this process of touching the core traumas, not just for myself personally but all those receiving these transmissions too. It’s like a profound holding of the universal trauma-pain field so that it may be transmuted into light, and in the process reuniting our self with the obviousness of our true undivided Self (Consciousness).
I feel this information is in the transmission, in the light, the information that allows for people to open up to the fullness of their soul beyond the limited distortion of our traumas, uplifting us into a higher level of universal healing, change and harmony.
So right now I temporarily need this extra space for this process, so that I can deal with it fully and be able to come back to the work that I’m called to do with people. I don’t anticipate this going on for too long, but for the month of July I’ll be offering limited 1-1 session slots as a result.
As an aside, I also recently came to the decision to press pause on the Global Transmissions (which I’ve been doing since early 2018) as I walk through this challenging time.
Am I the Doer of This Process?
Don’t mistake my description of this process as that of me having to ‘do’ this… of course ‘I do’ on one level certainly, but it’s a choice-less doing at its heart. A ‘doing’ not of a doer, but as a description of a happening… this whole life as a happening, leading entirely to this moment. And as I see it unfolding I can’t help but wonder and marvel at the divine intelligence of life as it comes to bear the fruit it that has been growing within its bosom. It’s the same intelligence that awoke the remembrance and realisation of a truly strong foundational recognition of my groundless ground of Being.
Through this these seemingly final pieces of the puzzle can be welcomed into the powerful and ubiquitous Light of Self, such light that cannot be overwhelmed by the darkness that these historical trauma energies hold. It’s this innate intelligence that has guided the years of inner work, taking me continuously to the edge, pushing the boundaries of comfort again and again, bringing light to the corners ready to be lit. It’s been such a process, and it’s a process that I see we all have to go through eventually.
What all of this is making abundantly clear to me (even more so than it even was already) is that the Self-Realisation (ie. non-dual awakening) process is just the beginning, the full stop before the next chapter. It brings you to the point where your entire system is so open to finally allow yourself to experience and truly see with all aspects of your entire Being. And with that you are able to see where you were previously coming from, what informed you, the mistakes and assumptions of the conditioned mind, what trauma was laid down that influenced how you experienced the world. It opens up the ability to see and hold all of this while stepping into a bigger picture and out of the limited conditions and influence of these fields.
These are not unique fields as such, the exact content and narrative may well be, but they are a universal dimension of trauma, of pain, of suffering. They are the cause of much deadness and blindness to one’s Self. Fields that we all face as they distort the system and limit our ability to come to the full and unimpeded blossoming of our true nature. And right now in this moment of history I feel that our systems are getting more sensitive so that we find ourselves literally cracking open these trauma fields. There seems to be a particularly ripe time-quality and intensity in that whatever we put our attention on can be held deeply enough that it may come finally into the light.
Awakening is just the beginning.
Video excerpt taken from a Sunday Satsang talk on April 25th, 2021 talking about karma as it pertains to non doership.
Excerpt taken from the April 2021 Diving Deep 5 day retreat talking about the dawning recognition of non doership and the implications of this, the place for different spiritual teachings and practices, yet the transcendence of them too, and the bliss of tasting and accepting all textures, all experiences of life.
Video excerpt talking about going from doership to seeing there is no doer taken from the Sunday 13th December 2020 Bi-monthly Zoom Group Satsang.
This video contains an excerpt of a Satsang from the September 2020 retreat talking about Happiness, the Self as a container for seeming paradoxes and Divine will.
Video excerpt talking about how seeing is the only doing necessary, taken from the Sunday 13th December 2020 bi-monthly zoom group Satsang.
A little morning tidbit from a conversation on my Beyond Imogen WhatsApp group. Loving the conversations and sharings on there that have been happening… To think, I was so skeptical about this idea of a WhatsApp group 🤷♀️
If you are curious and want to join: https://chat.whatsapp.com/LVsmb0CBpFNFryfnSmjOVw
In response to someone recognizing the need for surrender in their life…
“When we surrender to life the recognition comes about that even the efforts brought about by apparent personal ‘will’ are actually the effects of Grace too; A seed planted in the heart that we claimed as our own through misunderstanding. In this way even doing is an act of surrender when it’s seen that there is no doer, just life playing as life does through you as this embodiment of life.”
“There are no choices, just happenings. Happenings appearing as choices.”
“The seeing is the doing.”
“At some point trust has to be there to let go into the arms of Grace. It’s not something that can be done, it’s something that happens.”
Life is not some beast to be tamed,
a project to be mastered,
or your b$*%h to be controlled.
Life is a gift.
The gift of Grace.
And with this recognition
I bow to the feet of life
Grace courses through us
in everything we touch,
in everything we experience.
There is nothing that isn’t Grace.
“It’s all by Grace”
For me is the most powerful and humbling recognition.
The acknowledgement that I have no control.
That I am here,
all of me,
all of my experiencing
And so in this
it’s all seen as a gift.
Some call it God.
Some call it Consciousness.
Some call it fate.
There are many names
all pointing to that ineffable impersonal activity of life.
I call it Grace.
The infinite actions and endless possibilities
of life playing life
in the ocean of life.
Wild and unpredictable.
Plenty of variation,
but no separation.
Just as the sun shines on all,
Grace is in all.
There are no distinctions of good or bad,
no questions of right or wrong.
Everything that happens,
everything that doesn’t,
all by Grace.
Every whisper of a thought,
every flash of a memory,
every definitive decision,
every decisive action,
every palpable desire,
every subtle feeling,
every wave of emotion,
every happening of life,
all by Grace.
And so life is lived,
“There is no thinker, thinking just happens. There is no doer, doing just happens.”
In my life journey thus far I’ve had to transgress two* major spiritual paths/groups/movements that were both whole-life encompassing – Guru, lifestyle, friends and family, home, job, it felt like a lot could and would be lost. It’s was for sure a very difficult thing to navigate but I feel it’s important to share and talk about as I see a lot of people dealing with this, particularly in the realm of spiritual organisations.
Over time I’ve actually come to see that it’s a totally normal and healthy part of ‘spiritual’ development (I say spiritual lightly as I actually believe it’s not spiritual, it’s LIFE). Moving beyond our seemingly secure boundaries of experience, paradigms and conditioning – the known. It’s a hugely vulnerable place to be – the unchartered territory of our life, where we let go of the known and step forth into the openness of the unknown.
“You’re losing your way”, “you’re falling off the path” these were ideas that were offered up and I became fearful of, that I would ‘miss my chance’ for enlightenment and make a wrong turn/decision. Choose the wrong door, and therefore closing the other doors forever. Take an irreversible action. Being judged for that. That my life would fall apart, my source of income and/or home (which was tied in) would be gone forever or that my support network would reject me. That I would be left all alone with no support and no stability. These are touching on fundamental human fears and it’s terrifying to be faced with them.
It seems like a lot of groups (not just spiritually orientated ones – but that’s what I’m focused on here) like to have partisan loyalty in addition to claiming proprietary ownership of spiritual ideas, techniques, sadhana. “My way is the best”, “my way is the only way”. And the sanghas around them seem to naturally enforce this with the tribal pressure to be part of the group – after all we love to have this feeling of “I belong.”
So when we are faced with the reality that we find life moving in a different direction (path) or moving beyond what we have got already going on, what then? When our inner light and intuition is calling us somewhere else.
The Guru/organisation/technique/practice that we have held so dear, that has changed our life, that has provided a sense of comfort and belonging, or has given us huge amounts of growth and insight – what do we do when our loyalty to this is at odds with what is now showing up? Maybe a new Guru or technique has caught our attention. Or it maybe in our heart we see that we need to drop the prescribed practice or orthodoxy given to us in favour of something else, or even… dare I say… to drop it all! But in doing so we are going against our Guru, our Sangha, our community. Then it feels like a decision needs to be made: Do I stay within this current paradigm, or move out of the comfort and follow this new thing, transgressing the status quo, risking stability and everything I hold dear and drop it all?
There are no answers that someone else can tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing in the face of this – there is no right or wrong.
But anything – person (Guru), organisation or otherwise, that is trying to limit your expression and experience of life (especially by fear and/or control) will cause you to hit up against the ‘wall’ or boundary of that doctrine at some point – it’s for you to see what happens, does that wall crumble or does it stay intact… either way there are no wrong answers.
There are no mistakes in life, we are presented with exactly what we need to learn, grow and expand – no exceptions. The mind can argue either side of an argument that it’s presented with in apparently logical ways – so no help and comfort can be found there.
What actual actions/decisions get taken are a choice-less choice, it’s all a happening – any ‘choice’ is a commentary or story of the mind. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, it can feel disempowering, confusing and sometimes at odds (heart vs head stuff – all is fickle). But yes, choices appear, our life moves on regardless of those choices. We have to accept our reality as it happens, (talk about real-time updates!!) and have no loyalty to the fear of the future or to the past/past ways of thinking.
For me it was about ‘the next obvious thing’, it wasn’t about analysing it (although it would have been all too easy to go there). Life presented the next obvious thing and it was a leap of faith and trust that this was what was meant to happen and that it was for the good. That ‘next obvious thing’ for me turned out to be following my own light and transgressing, transcending and to some extent including, each group/teaching that I encountered. It wasn’t about surrendering to the fearful projections of what might be, it was about what was happening right here, right now. Looking back, those transgressions were absolutely necessary for me (and I would argue most other people too).
So what am I saying…Transgressing prescribed spiritual paths is part and parcel of growth: we use the raft to cross the river but then abandon the raft at the other bank. But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Group dynamics instill a sense of stability, duty and fear, offering pressure that it’s “this way or none” and that you’ll miss your chance at the promised land. But when a natural growth beyond these boundaries occurs then it’s nothing to be fearful of. What happens is what is meant to happen. We don’t know what the future holds (unfortunately this gives no comfort to a mind that wants guarantees and plans). But this to me is where trust, surrender, courage and humility come in.
Open your heart and have the courage to be a light unto yourself, shake off the shackles of shoulds and step forth into the unknown and trust yourself, trust your inner truth, surrender to what is unfolding.
*[Addendum: Little did I know that a matter of weeks after writing this that I would be faced with a 3 for 3 scenario and we would be parting ways with another spiritual Guru/organisation/teaching. Like I said nature throws up the next obvious step, the next unfoldment. So we are at the start of our next chapter, hopefully that is it for us and spiritual organisations…. but who knows what the future will hold ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Watch this space……! ~ Imogen 8/8/18]
This exploration of life requires great vulnerability, earnestness, openness, radical honest and deep inquiry. It’s a truly destructive process, one that burns everything that you are not with such a fire that not even a whisper of the false is left. But what this can mean is that which we hold so dearly, so tightly, for so long doesn’t fit into this new paradigm that is tenderly cracking open. Our once core beliefs and truths don’t feel like ours any more and so we’re required to drop them, to move on, to take a leap of faith into the unknown.
It’s this continuous release into the unknown where freedom lies. It’s not a position to take but a