“Letting go of past habits, conditioning and unexplored assumptions is a natural byproduct of awakening and very much part of the process.”
- So I did a thing and here it is… an interview with Renate McNay for Conscious TV.It’s honestly something that was scary and uncomfortable for me from the get-go, sending my comfort zone running out of the building for its dear life because this thing was not something that I’d ever imagined or wanted for myself. But life these past years has very much been about stepping out of the way, taking the handbrake off and TRUSTING life fully.And guess what… I actually ended up really enjoying myself ¯\_(ツ)_/¯I want to thank Renate for so gently and kindly supporting me through this process, making it so easy and enjoyable. I’ve loved getting to interact and know you a little these past few months, and I’m honoured to join the ConsciousTV family.I hope you all enjoy it <3
Link to transcription on ConsciousTV – http://conscious.tv/text/161.htm
Renate: Welcome to ConsciousTV. My name is Renate McNay and my guest today is Imogen Sita Webber and we are still in the corona time and Imogen is in Wales and I’m in Oxfordshire. So, it’s a completely different experience, interviewing on Zoom, not quite sure about it – so let’s try it.
Renate: So, I’d like to start with a little bit looking into your story and how you became who you are now, a spiritual teacher, well, you call yourself a spiritual mentor. And Imogen is also a writer, a brilliant writer, there’s lot of wonderful things to write on your website and you give Divine Light Transmission, and we find out a little bit later what that is. And, so you grew up with the understanding everything is consciousness.
Imogen: That’s correct, yeah.
Renate: Yeah, and the question is, was that a blessing or not?
Imogen: I didn’t know anything else, this is the thing. So this was my life, that was the paradigm and the view of my life. It was very ordinary for me.
Renate: Yeah, so you were six years old when you started meditating?
Imogen: Yeah, so my mom was a Transcendental Meditation teacher from way back when and she taught me when I was six.
Renate: Did you know what you were doing, what meditation is?
Imogen: As much as a six-year-old has understanding of that I think.
Renate: Yeah, yeah.
Imogen: It was something that was with my life for the entirety of it `cause I saw my mom going off and meditating from the day I was born she still doing that. So, it was very ordinary for me, it was very much part of my life.
Renate: Yes, and you had enough playmates there and in the commune?
Imogen: Well, so when I was born, I was born in Wales, and actually we were not living in the Transcendental Meditation community in Skelmersdale at that point. We moved there when I was about fourteen. We moved there so that me and my brother could go to the school, there’s a school there and, it was a wonderful thing for me because I suddenly was surrounded by people who also meditated and also had this view of life, which to me was very nice to have people who I could share this with.
Renate: Yes, and you went to school and later you studied there. How many years did you live there?
Imogen: So, I lived in Skelmersdale from, I think it was the year 2000 until 2006, when I moved to the TM community in America Fairfield, Iowa. At that point we moved, me and my husband, moved with a company. All the company were meditators, and we decided to move over there and it was after I finished working with the company that I then went to the university which was in America.
Renate: Yeah, well I heard a lot about TM bringing meditation into schools and they do incredible work on that level, and I think it’s very successful, what do you think?
Imogen: Yeah, I went to a school that specifically, it wasn’t just bringing TM into the school, the whole curriculum, everything was, it was a transcendental meditation school in itself.
Imogen: So, that was the school I went to. They’ve since, in the last few years, brought it into mainstream schools and just ordinary schools. They ’re bringing TM into just the programs in the schools to meditate along with the ordinary curriculum.
Imogen: But that wasn’t quite what I was brought up with. When I went to school we had SCI, Science of Creative Intelligent lessons, and we learned Jyotish and we learned all of these things, as well as these fundamental, sort of ideas about consciousness were brought into the ordinary subjects, your science, your math, your art, all of it was held within that philosophy I guess.
Renate: Yeah, so that’s the Vedics?
Imogen: Yeah, yeah.
Renate: Yeah, and you also had Ayurveda, you learned about Ayurveda and is that still your life?
Imogen: Um, I mean it’s always present in my life, it’s always something that I’m aware of. It’s not necessarily something that I’m active in practicing particularly, even Transcendental Meditation is not something that is active in my life in the same way that it once was.
Renate: Yeah, but is there still meditation in your life? Do you still meditate?
Imogen: It depends what someone’s definition of mediation. Certainly, I still close my eyes and I still take time out of my day for that, but the meditation that I was taught was mantra based meditation and at some point there was a recognition that there is no difference between meditation and no meditation in me. So, it wasn’t something that I had to go to to experience and that’s when the formal meditation dropped away, and I would say life became a sort of a living meditation for me.
Renate: Beautiful. So, you hear a lot about spiritual organizations and the restrictions they put out and working a lot with control and fear. Is that something you were aware or at the time you were aware or, was that completely accepted by you? How did you feel with that?
Imogen: I mean, for me because it was always so, such an ordinary thing for me, I was living my life in this and so when I was growing up, you know, obviously outside of the transcendental meditation organization, this wasn’t an issue. I wasn’t very much in touch with it. Going more into it, initially felt wonderful, but I definitely see that there are tones of that in that organization and in every organization, I’ve since been involved with.
Renate: Sure, yeah.
Imogen: I think it’s just the nature of it somehow. When you get groups of people together, and you may have an enlightened teacher at the start of that organization, but then you have lots of other people involved and their sort of things that they’re going through. So, I definitely see that there are, there can be, tones of that. It didn’t affect me too much to start with but the further along, the more “adult” I got, let’s say, having my own views coming into it and having my own experiences, then I saw where there was definitely emphasis on things that were acceptable as viewpoints and things which were discouraged. So, yeah, I definitely think there was a flavor of that for sure.
Renate: So, when you learned as a child about consciousness, consciousness the ground of everything, could you actually comprehend what you learned? Was that something also you started to experience or was it just a theory?
Imogen: I mean, it was definitely grounded in experience for me. It wasn’t grounded in necessarily a continuous experience as in an abiding experience of that, that came later but there was sufficient glimpses and there were sufficient experiences that it was known to me. It was known what was being spoken about theoretically. But I knew experientially what that was because every time I went to meditate, I would recognize what they were talking about. But it was very much an in and out thing, you go in, you go to meditate, and you experience that and then you come out of it. And so, it wasn’t the experience that was abiding but it was, along with the knowledge, the conceptual knowledge, of that we are all of this. There was definitely that experiential part of it through doing TM for sure.
Renate: Yeah, you were telling me that your childhood was not a very happy one. Your father was an alcoholic and your mother was also a bit mixed up.
Imogen: We’ve had a difficult relationship, you know, they were human beings going through their own things.
Imogen: And that was tricky to navigate for me I found, `cause I’m quite sensitive as well.
Renate: Yeah and you said you picked up from them a lot of dysfunctional life strategies.
Imogen: Yeah, I mean, I feel like we all have those dysfunctional life strategies and that’s how I coped with life, was learning how to, how I thought I should behave. I had a lot of “shoulds” in my life, I had a lot of conditioning. I was a people pleaser so I really, I had a lot of behavior around putting others before myself and the detriment that that can have on someone can be quite large when you start to recognize that. When you’re in it, it’s not so much of a problem but I did suffer from depression and things like this in my teenage years even with meditation, which I think must have helped me enormously and I dread to think what life would have looked like without something like that in my life. But it was still tricky, it was still a very tricky time for me.
Renate: Yeah, so how was it tricky? How did it manifest?
Imogen: Well, the obvious one was the depression, that was the obvious one and it was short, sharp, and deep depression for me. But for me, it was how I related to life was so conditioned, so much about the other, so much about how I should behave, who I should be. It got to a point in my life where I really didn’t know who I was, because I was trying to live in that conditioning of how I felt I should be. And the spiritual conditioning came along with that as well for me.
Renate: So, we normally do that, going away from our self, when we want to feel loved. So, I guess you didn’t feel loved by your mother or accepted?
Imogen: Um, well I knew, I absolutely knew that she loved me but, yeah I think I struggled to connect my behavior with that deep feeling of love.
Renate: Yes. Did you go through some counseling or what? What was the most helpful thing in… I mean it’s interesting because you did have experiences of the ground of being and yet on top of it the depression.
Imogen: Yeah, yeah and so this is the thing, I had that knowledge of my ground. I did have that knowledge, it wasn’t abiding so it was unstable in that way, they were fleeting experiences. I knew conceptually what I was, beyond the humanness, but that humanness wasn’t accounted for and yet it was still very much playing out in me. I still struggled with life and I was looking for peace and happiness basically. I wasn’t even looking for enlightenment, even though I was surrounded in a movement where the whole basis is towards enlightenment, that was not my goal ever actually, it was peace and happiness.
Imogen: And I misguidedly, because of who I was at that point, my strategy was avoidance and so I avoided a lot of these very difficult things. That was how I got through those years in many ways. I pushed it all way down and tried to pretend it wasn’t there somehow and with awakening that lid came popping right off and that was quite a shock to my system honestly.
Renate: It’s interesting, a few days ago, you probably know Rupert Spira, and he and Ellie are good friends of ours, and we were together last Sunday and he told me exactly what you just said. You know, when you ask people what they really want, they always say “I want happiness”. They do not say “I want awaken” or “I want enlightenment”, “I just want to be happy”. And so, he’s writing a whole book now on how to be happy, just happy.
Renate: No other, no other spiritual things, just to be happy. [laughs]
Imogen: Yeah, I think it’s important, because I do think the majority of people, that is, if they’re really honest, that is what they’re seeking. Now I think the end point for that happens to be knowing your nature and happens to be awakening but, it’s not necessarily what people start out looking for.
Renate: Yeah, ok so you just, the last thing you said, the lid blew open.
Imogen: Yeah, yeah.
Renate: And was this when a close friend of yours committed suicide or what happened?
Imogen: Yeah, that was a lid, that was certainly the cracking open. I would say that was the point at which the lid began to, sort of, show its cracks because suddenly I was, at that point I felt like I almost, the experience was, is that I walked out of my life. The life that I was building, the life that I thought I should be building. All the things I was doing, all the right things at that point. I was focused in an area which I felt was good. I had gone back to school to get my degree, I had a house, I had a beautiful husband, I had a beautiful life and all of a sudden this happened and it had such a deep impact on me. And it made me question, “what am I doing here?”; `cause I’m not actually happy. I’m looking for happiness and I’m doing all the things which I think I should be doing to make me happy, but I just saw how easy it was to lose life and how fragile life was. I couldn’t contain all of that avoidance of emotion that I’d managed to contain. It was so much all at once that those cracks began to show, those cracks of avoidance began to show and I became interested. My husband Martyn had always been the archetypal spiritual seeker and read every book and watched every Satsang and I was just a bystander, an innocent bystander of all of that. And at that point I began to pick up and hear what they’re talking about and I can relate a little bit more. He was watching a lot of Adyashanti and Mooji and people like this. So, I started to tune in.
Renate: I have here written down, taken from your writing, “there is a tendency in some spiritual traditions and teachings to ignore inner work, to try to meditate away negative emotions, reactions, thought patterns, and so forth”. So, there was not really, in the TM organization, an outlet to show your feelings and your sadness or your…
Imogen: Yeah, it was very much within the TM organization. There’s this view of “don’t entertain negativity”. This is one of their things that are said. As a school child I remember hearing that quite a lot.
Imogen: And also, if there is some roughness in life, meditate more or have your meditation checked. You know, the emphasis was do the meditation, do the work on that level and everything else will be taken care of and it just wasn’t my experience, it wasn’t being taken care of. I was doing the meditation and yet my heart was breaking and I couldn’t, like after this incident, I couldn’t keep my life together. There was so much breaking happening.
Renate: Do you know anybody who managed to meditate all that away, their heartbreak?
Imogen: I don’t know, I don’t know. It’s not something I’d want to make a judgement on, but do I know anyone personally who just meditated and that was it? I can’t think of anyone offhand.
Renate: You know, some time ago I interviewed a guy called Reggie Ray who is the lineage holder of Trungpa Rinpoche. And he has a center in Colorado himself, and he was telling me they meditated. The group meditated for hours and hours and hours, and years and years and years and everybody was depressed, and everybody was unhappy, and he finally realized he does not move. Nothing is moving and he had to leave, and he went into therapy, into psychotherapy, to start releasing certain things – meditation didn’t do it.
Imogen: Yeah, this was the context that I grew up in. It went unsaid but it was discouraged, in an unsaid way. I felt it was discouraged and I felt that, if you’re focusing on that, you’re entertaining the negativity and you just need to “not be negative” and do your meditation and everything will be ok. And so I don’t feel that that is a helpful guidance for a lot of people because it negates the human experience, and that human experience which I’m very interested in now having gone through all of this, that’s where my interest and focus is so much because of my own experience, I think. Because, you know, I was having this recognition of consciousness and yet the humanness was still there and it wasn’t accounted for in a full enough way for me to really be able to integrate and include that human experience.
Renate: So, what should have happened? What’s the right thing?
Imogen: Well, in my story it was the perfect thing. In my story, I feel that I went through everything that I went through including the depths of heartbreak and anguish because that was the only way I could learn those lessons. In a more generalized way, I think there needs to be more discussion about this and acceptance about this generally in spiritual organizations instead of just the focus on the absolute or the consciousness. It needs to be both; it needs to have that wholeness in there of the recognition of the ground but also what it means to have the content. It’s not a negation of the content, as soon as you start to deny that content, that human experience of life, that is changeable but is experienced in this way, so I think that there needs to be both there. That’s my view of it.
Renate: Yeah, well my teacher always said to reach the absolute is wonderful but it’s just a beginning.
Imogen: Absolutely agree, I love that.
Renate: Then the real work starts.
Imogen: And you know, that was my experience, I thought it was gonna be the other way around. I thought, to reach the absolute, all this work happens and you purify and you eat the right foods and you do all the right things and then you get the prize, you get the gem, the absolute is there for you to take. It wasn’t my experience and that’s not to say, it might some people ’s experience, but it just wasn’t my experience.
Renate: I was reading a book yesterday written by Cynthia Bourgeault, which I appreciate a lot.
Imogen: I like her.
Renate: Yeah, and there was a sentence in that which, I really, it really hit me and it says “God cannot enter hell, but love can enter hell, and there, redeem it”. So, what I guess that means, it’s also what you are teaching and what you are saying is, you really need to enter the experience and redeem it and bring it to the light.
Imogen: This is it, you know, people have these big grand narratives that they put on these big words like enlightenment and awareness and to me, I like to break it down much more simply than that. Enlightenment is to enlighten, to bring light, not some big lovely, fluffy idea of light but just literal light, to bring awareness to that which wasn’t aware. And to do that, you have to go into that, you have to not be afraid of that. You have to include that along side and in with the experience of life and as long as there’s any sense of light is good, dark is bad you’re creating a separation of life where I don’t believe there is any, and this is where you get into trouble actually. You’re continuously avoiding those aspects of life which you ’ve conceptually deemed as not good.
Renate: Yeah, we had this little chat yesterday and you said one thing which is always standing out with people you’re working with, they are saying “I should”, “I should be more enlightened”, “I should be already awake” or “I should be…”, I don’t know, “… a better person” and not really understanding what it means to be a human and what it means… what does it mean to be myself? You know, in the moment you said if we say “should” you can pick up a shadow. Can you say something about that because that’s interesting?
Imogen: To me, the word, when I hear the word “should”, it’s like a little red flag of someone’s conditioning, poking out, and often we don’t even see it as that. We don’t even see that it’s, somehow, we’ve picked up an idea of how life should be. The heart doesn’t have a “should”. The heart just acts, the heart just is. If you are in love with something, you know, you’ve got crisp potato chips, there’s no “should I eat that”, you just pick them up and eat it. So, this is where the “should” comes in. The “should” comes in in relation to how we think life should or shouldn’t be, should or shouldn’t behave, who we are in relation to all of that. And it leaves us with no room to be as we naturally would be. It leaves us in sort of a gilded cage, we start living life as tighter and tighter confinement of what’s acceptable. And where do we get these ideas of what is acceptable, I mean people have all sorts of ideas of what ’s acceptable, so which one’s correct? Which culture, which group, which society is correct about that “should”? And so this is the work I find for a lot of people, is to slowly pick apart where those “shoulds” are in their life and they get slippery and subtle and to the point where you can’t even see them and sometimes that’s why you get someone coming along and acting as a mirror for you and you can go “oh wow, there’s a “should”, I didn’t even realize that was a “should””. And so that’s been a lot of my work and I’m still going through that work, I’m still hitting up into pockets of somewhere where I didn’t even see there was a “should” and you can feel it. The more you can go along this work, the more you can feel what is natively, spontaneously you, that naturalness of yourself.
Imogen: And the difference between a “should”, the “should” has a somatic feeling to it, a tightness even and people experience that differently but it’s important to be able to root those out I think.
Renate: It seems you have such a deep understanding of your body to be able to read all that and that reminds me on the other poem, you know, you write wonderful poem. Let me see if I have it, which says “The Head or Heart”, “there’s a constant exploration of life that is immediate, to listen to your body, your physical response to life, your intuitive knowingness, the pull towards yes or no, not on an intellectual level but on the physical level of what’s right and wrong for you in that moment”. And I think that’s a big step to come to this point where you really learn the body ’s message. What is the right and what is the wrong? I know you would say there is no right and wrong.
Imogen: No, but you feel it. It’s not a conceptual right or wrong. It’s a felt right or wrong and that’s the difference for me. The reason why I feel I can talk so much about this is because I was so far in the other direction. I was so, so, so out of touch with my intuitive sense, which you’d think I would be much more in touch having done all this meditation, but I was so far out of touch with my sense of self, my human sense of self, not the absolute sense of self in those terms, you know, we can use different terminologies, but I’m talking more on the humanness side of that, the personality, the naturalness of this embodied Imogen. I was so far away from that, that I really had no idea of who I was really on that level. So, this is why I talk about it, because I’ve had to fight my way from that, from having no connection to that. And I think it started that moment when my friend passed away, it’s like life flooded in and I started to feel myself more. I started to feel my experience because I was feeling grief for a start that I couldn’t put a lid on, that I couldn’t, sort of, shut down ‘cause it was so great. And so, I think that’s probably where I’d say it really started for me but now it’s like every time I don’t listen to myself life smacks me and those lessons get harder and harder and louder and louder and we all, I think, we just have to learn to listen. And if you don’t listen, they get louder and louder, so I had the loud lessons. I had the really, in your face, loud lessons of life, of me ignoring life actually, ignoring myself, ignoring how life wanted to move through me. So, I learned the hard way, which is probably why I can talk somewhat about this because I had to learn those lessons again and again and again and I still do sometimes. Because there was so much of a level of conditioning, particularly around a disconnect from my felt experience. I still don ’t get it right sometimes; I still ignore the signs and don’t listen to myself. I ’m getting better, a lot better, but it’s been a big struggle in my life, I think.
Renate: Yeah, well I guess if you’re rushing through life, you know, there is no room to listen to the body. I think if we bring more awareness and do things slower…
Imogen: You can’t help but not listen then, it’s almost like the spot on the white sheet. It becomes really obvious, really quickly.
Renate: Nice, so let’s start a little bit more with your story. So, by the time you started, Martyn, your husband, was interested in Adyashanti and I think you mentioned also Amma?
Imogen: Yeah, well that was a little bit earlier in the story actually. She was the first person outside of the TM that I’d ever seen or experienced. I was a TM girl, I knew nothing other than TM, you know that was my world. And it was Martyn, he was into everyone, he always had been from a really early age. He came to TM later in life but he, while we were living in Skelmersdale at the time, and he was like, “I’d really love it, she’s coming to London, I’d really love it if you come down and see her” and I was pretty, I mean I was open, but I was skeptical. I have this, sort of, two sides of me where I’m open to something but I ’m still like, hmmm… we’ll see how this goes. So, he dragged me down to London and, you know, didn’t want to say too much because he didn’t want to preempt my own experience but I’d come from the TM movement which is all very sedate and calm and quiet and then I walk in the room and there’s Bhajans and it’s loud and there’s loads of people and all of this. I remember, she wasn’t in the room, and we were chatting with some of his friends and she must have come into the hall behind me, and I just had this experience of just everything stopped. He literally had to guide me and sit me down in a chair, cause just everything stopped for me. So, that was my first experience outside of the TM movement. I never got to meet Maharishi, my mom got to meet Maharishi, but I never got to so it was all videotapes, which were strong in themselves, the darshan, the presence felt was strong and I knew what that was so to have that happen with another teacher, it was quite profound for me. It opened my world up to the world outside of TM and the possibility of other teachers and sages and gurus and that whole thing. So, that was my first, I would say, taste of that.
Renate: Yeah, so by that time your awakening still was not abiding but it would come and go?
Imogen: Yeah, I’d have experiences of my nature, but it certainly wasn’t stable. It was very much linked to meditation, apart from like that experience with Amma obviously, but for me it was something that happened when I went to close my eyes and meditated. It wasn’t something that was in my life outside of meditation very much.
Renate: Yeah, so then you went to see Adyashanti or was there somebody in between? Was Mooji in between?
Imogen: We were watching Mooji, Martyn was, I think Martyn was like watching everyone, anyone who he could get his hands on at this point. There was all these teachers doing Satsangs online, the Wayne Liquormans of the world, the David Speros, the Lisa Cairns, I mean all of them, there’s a laundry list of them.
Imogen: So he was doing that, but I would generally tune into a little bit of Mooji, a little bit of Adyashanti, a little bit of Wayne Liquorman were kind of, you know, they were on in the background in the tv for me.
Renate: So, you still were not really searching for something?
Imogen: No, honestly, even though my life looks like I’m a spiritual seeker from the outside, I would honestly say I was never searching for something in that way from a teacher. But, yeah, we went to this, after my whole life sort of fell apart, and there was more of an openness to teachers, Martyn had wanted to go on an Adyashanti silent retreat and I was just like, I’m not so sure about doing this, I really wasn’t keen on it but he convinced me and I was happy to do it in the end. We went to Asheville and actually the morning of that retreat I had an awakening, actually, is the easiest way to say it. I was reading Suzanne Segal ’s book “Collision with the Infinite” and I’d been reading it out loud the night before to Martyn and in the early hours of the morning I remember just picking up and reading it and I don’t know where I was, I can’t remember but I remember reading something and looking up at, I was still in bed, looking up, out of the skylight and seeing the tree and having this like pop moment of like there is no difference between me and the tree. And it was a very strong experience, very strong experience. I mean, it felt like, the easiest way to describe it, it felt like I was tripping, it felt like I was on drugs of some sort because, you know, I remember packing my bag and I was watching this emptiness pack this bag and it was like, it was such a bizarre experience for me. Nothing that I’d experienced before.
Renate: It’s an interesting statement, “I was watching the emptiness packing the bag”.
Imogen: Yeah and doing it the way that Imogen would have done it, but there was no Imogen doing it. It was just happening.
Renate: Was that not frightening for you because I mean, I know from Suzanne Segal’s book it was terrifying for her?
Imogen: Yeah, so she went through that terrifying… no it wasn’t terrifying for me. Maybe cause I had some more context or something, I don’t know and because Martyn who had all the context in the world, was sort of there and sort of fascinated and he seemed excited and was watching this whole process and I remember looking in the mirror and I’m like there’s no difference between the Imogen here and the image of the mirror. I remember having all these, sort of… it was like an exploration and Martyn was going through this with me as an exploration so it was kind of exciting actually.
Renate: Would you say the self-identity started to dissolve?
Imogen: It disappeared; it left the building. In that moment it left the building. There was no self-identity in those terms, it was just life happening.
Renate: An open space.
Imogen: Yeah, there was no Imogen in here, and I’d had that in meditation but you’d have the eyes closed and all the thoughts are gone and so that sort of seems like, but this was no Imogen walking around, talking, packing a bag, eating breakfast, you know, all of that was happening within this context of there’s no Imogen here, she just upped and left in that way. So that was a very, very bizarre experience and it only lasted about, sort of, I can’t even remember really, but about 36 hours, 48 hours, like a day and a half or so into the retreat it lasted but then it faded. But I couldn’t not see what I’d seen at that point.
Imogen: My life changed from that point for sure, something shifted, permanently something shifted. It wasn’t ever that direct experience, but something did permanently shift from that point.
Renate: So, what is living your life, what is living this life? I mean experiencing it, this profound experience. Where are you? Where it’s so obvious that there isn’t anybody in charge or in control. So how do you do live your daily life, and you know, do whatever you’re doing, being a teacher, a housewife, a lover, and knowing nobody is doing that?
Imogen: Yeah, the thing is, no one was ever doing that.
Imogen: And so that’s the thing, people go, well how? I’m gonna be a vegetable. I’m not going to be able to do anything and I come up against this fear all the time in people and it’s like no, nothing has changed, actually. Life still continues, even choices still appear, happenings still happen, it’s just that the ownership of that, and the one that feels like it’s pulling the strings, the ego mind structure that thinks it’s in control is what sort of, it’s seen through, it’s not even that it goes necessarily. You know, I’m not one of these people that ’s like bashing the ego, like you have to get rid of the ego, I’m like, no it’s fine. You just have to see it and when you see it, it just becomes a part of the play as well. So how do I live my life? Like I always lived my life.
Renate: Yeah. [laughs]
Imogen: Some things have changed for sure, but it’s not some big, you know, suddenly life is a completely different realm. Life still happens in the way it always has done and I think that’s what’s beautiful about it.
Renate: Yeah, well I know some people who had this profound experience and the ego structure never put itself together and they literally became vegetables and they had to recreate an ego structure, otherwise they couldn’t, they didn’t function anymore.
Imogen: I come across people like that as well and I think it’s a phase and I think they can be supported through that and it’s a case of that. I would call that integration; I would call that there needs to be the integration of the absolute and the humanness there. There needs to be the learning to live, and that can be harder for some people, particularly if there’s such a profound shift that everything falls apart. And if they don’t have the context, I mean Suzanne Segal’s a perfect example, she didn’t have the context of what was going on and so she suffered that. And there can be deep suffering in that I think, which, people think that awakening is, and people have different views of this, but some people view that there’s no suffering upon awakening and I see that that’s, it may be the viewpoint of suffering changes but on the human level there can still be suffering. On a deeper level, there is acceptance I believe. There’s an okayness with life.
Renate: But you had difficulties after that experience I think yourself.
Renate: When, I don’t know, all the structures came up into awareness and can you say something about that time?
Imogen: Yeah so, after that whole Adyashanti thing, and it shifted back into something, life was very blissful but I wouldn’t actually, I mean, I don’t know what to call it, but I would say that was like the first stages of awakening. It wasn’t until later that I actually would say was the point at which I had a real permanent shift that abided and that was maybe a year later. And at that point was when all of those ego structures, all of the resistance that those ego structures provide for avoiding whatever is needed to be avoided in life in order for that ego to kind of be comfortable and exist in its comfort, that went. When I talk about the lid coming off, that’s the point at which I would say, and that happened after receiving a transmission and it was a very painful time for me because all the stuff that I’d managed to avoid I could no longer avoid. I was experiencing life, just so raw in the moment. I was experiencing everything, not just the good bits, the bad bits as well and I’d never fully experienced that before. I’d, even with this great experience with Adyashanti, it was so short lived that it didn’t almost give time for all of that to arise so this happened, maybe, a few weeks after that shift that I received from that transmission. Maybe a few weeks later is when it like, first few weeks was all great and bliss and exploration of life and everything was like new. It was like I was a small child.
Renate: Was it kind of a freedom you felt?
Imogen: Yes, yes, oh totally, and excitement of life. It was almost like I was blind and someone had put a pair of glasses on and everything felt crystal clear. And so at first, that was the experience, sort of, this honeymoon phase of like wow, you know, look at this life but it quite quickly turned into my own personal hell it felt like at the time. And was a very difficult time because I felt in between worlds at that point. I had this obvious new view of life, but there was still all of the old conditioning in place, and so it felt very messy in that there was both of these things and they were in obvious conflict. I couldn’t see it at the time that that was clearly what was happening, but I see now that was what was clearly happening. There was the conflict of my natural self, my naturalness, in complete opposition to all of that conditioning, all of that dysfunctional way of, sort of, you know that was the strategy, that was how I survived life and it’s not wrong, it wasn’t wrong, it was how it got me to be where I was but it didn’t fit anymore. It was like the round hole and the square you know, they didn’t fit anymore and so that was, I would say, what turned out to be a year or even two of dismantling all that conditioning. It meant I had to swing away from that conditioning into complete non-conditioning and back again. I had a lot of one foot in one place and one foot in the other. It was all just, very messy. [both laugh]
Renate: Well, the word messy reminded me about a little chat we had yesterday where you said, we talked about the intense time we are living through and it’s a whole mess on so many levels, and you said “the mess is the harmony”. And that, I have to tell you, that completely hit me the way you smashed it out at me because I ’m such a perfectionist. And then I remembered this story of one of my sons, he was incredibly messy always. His room, he didn’t put any clothes into the cupboard, it was just all on a pile and when I came, I cleaned it all up. And he would say “mommy, you just made a mess of my harmony”. [both laugh]
Imogen: There you go, there you go. It’s been in your life.
Renate: And then he made it messy again and said “and now you sit down and you meditate on my mess”. [both laugh]
Imogen: Very, very beautiful. Very wise son there.
Renate: Well, yeah, I just remembered that story during the night when I couldn’t sleep last night and you know it’s… we always hear everything is as it is, acceptance of… but you say the mess is the harmony, it was like of course, of course, it’s always the harmony.
Imogen: It is, that’s what life is offering up in that moment. That is the cutting edge of life and as soon as you start to say this isn’t acceptable of life, you ’re putting a condition on life, you ’re saying this is wrong, this shouldn’t be. That’s not acceptance, that’s not life actually, so for me, in that moment, if that messiness is there, it’s because life is wanting that messiness, that is the best its got, and we as human beings start to put conceptions on that, on what ’s acceptable, what’s not. And, it’s like, no, that is what life is gifting, that’s the wisdom of life in that moment. Life isn’t about comfort, now if life was about comfort, then sure the view of more messiness, yeah ok, there ’s not comfort in messiness. But my view is that life is about wisdom, life is about teaching and learning and exploring, it’s not about comfort. And so, that messiness, in that moment, is life and I think it’s a beautiful part of life. And I used to be someone who was the perfectionist and who wanted everything to be peaceful and perfect and calm and everyone happy and that’s part of the unwinding of that conditioning for me, has being able to learn to, not only accept, but love, and I use the words “acceptance” and “love” often as quite synonymous in my work because to me they are. What you love, you accept and what you accept you love and so to me when that was able to be accepted within me, that messiness, all of a sudden it opens up life to that freedom, it breaks open that cage. It breaks open that cage of conditioning that says life, if it’s messy, it’s bad, and I, very much, felt that before but now, it’s like – no, that is the harmony, is that messiness. If that messiness is there, that’s what life is calling for.
Renate: So, it feels like for me now, as you talk, that the acceptance of the messiness is coming out of your heart.
Renate: Is that when the mind drops to the heart?
Imogen: Yeah, you see the mind is all about this or that, you know, it’s a very analytical tool in my view. It’s like it wants your two plus two equals four. It wants these neat little boxes, it’s this or it’s that. The heart has no such requirements, the heart can have seeming opposites, seeming paradoxes that don’t make any sense to the mind all within it. So, this is the dropping to the heart, it can contain all of it. It can contain the sublime and the ridiculous perfectly. It doesn ’t need life to have these very strong structural, sort of, rights and wrongs in it and so that ’s dropping out of the conceptual mind and into the heart of life. And I mean that both literally and figuratively, it’s a very different experience of life when that finally drops. Because it can also include the mind then, that ’s what ’s beautiful is you don’t have to like, start to exclude the mind, it includes all of it.
Imogen: It accepts all of it.
Renate: Well, your passion for life is, is beautiful. Yeah. Where have you been in your story, I don’t know how long we have time, more time, but I think maybe ten minutes. So, you had it, you had a transmission, you followed your husband to somebody called Ramana in America…
Renate: … Ramaji, and your husband went there and completely changed and you had your doubts as usual [both laugh]. And then you went there a little later and that’s what brought you home.
Imogen: Yeah, I mean, it’s all over… it wasn’t going there, it was all like this, on skype, which is definitely why I had a lot of doubts at the time, you know.
Imogen: I come from this world of you practice, you practice, you practice, you practice, and then you get established in that. So this idea of having a fifteen minute transmission and you ’re done, I was very skeptical of. And I see now that that’s maybe more unusual then I thought at the time, then I realized at the time, to have a single transmission but that ’s what happened to both me and him. Yeah, it’s just that one transmission and my life changed actually, it’s the easiest way to put it, from that point on.
Renate: So, then the awakening, became an abiding and…
Imogen: Yeah, it was Martyn who noticed it first actually the morning after. I had it quite late at night and then I went straight to sleep and I remember walking the next morning, and this was six months after Martyn had had his transmission and his subsequent shift, and he really noticed a different fragrance of me. There was an openness like as if he could go anywhere with me. There was no wall, you know, often when you meet someone who is very held conceptually in their mind, there ’s places you can ’t touch, like you can ’t talk about this subject or you can ’t touch that, that held dearly conception about themselves or their mask or whatever it is. And he said that for the first time he felt there was this, sort of, airiness about me, where he could go anywhere like as if there was no walls anymore. And so, it was him that first noticed a difference and then I started to notice, it was a gradual noticing of how different I was interacting with life actually. You know, the people pleasing of worrying about how someone else would be and how they are. I was just not at war with life anymore. I was able to allow or whatever was happening, I was able to fully feel whatever was happening. And this was the honeymoon phase to start with so everything felt really good as well. It just felt like one big exploration like I was a kid in a candy story exploring life for the first time, it felt like it was for the first time actually.
Renate: Yeah, beautiful. And then students started flocking to you and you were, you were highly recommended by one of your students, she is in Germany and, I mean, she told me wonderful things about you, which I am experiencing now. [both laugh]
Imogen: I have some of the most beautiful people coming to my door. You asked me yesterday who inspires me. A hundred percent, hands down, I got off the conversation, I went, that was what I didn’t say was that the people that come to me, I learn so much from them and I’m inspired so much by them, without a doubt, you know. The students thing, yeah, no, no, it didn’t happen that way.
Imogen: At all, at all. It was a few years, I mean, we ’re talking that was back in 2015, so we ’re talking five years and I ’ve only really, it’s only been this last year, I mean, it’s been a couple of years now but this isn’t my natural habitat. I ’m pretty ambivalent and reluctant to this, honestly. If I ’m completely honest, it’s not ever what I imagined myself or for my life. And I still struggle with that sometimes because it’s not what I would think of for myself. I ’m just letting life, sort of, move through me is the easiest way to say it. But I went through those rough couple of years, and I couldn’t have spoken to anyone else. I was writing a lot and that’s when my website started, I started not for anyone else, but just to be writing, it was like someone turned on a tap. I was very shy before, I never had anything to say really, and then this happened and I suddenly, it was like a tap and the words were just there in the middle of the night, words, words, words, words, all the time. Just the exploration of my experience I guess, but on the other stroke of it I was experiencing this excruciating unwinding of my conditioning which was not comfortable at all and it was not comfortable for my relationships. Everything changed, so all the way that I was relating to people beforehand didn’t working anymore because I wasn’t that person. I was not that conditioning which I once was. And then we were given the opportunity to actually learn how to give that transmission and that’s when I was, sort of, like okay, life is asking me to step up to this. It wasn’t comfortable for me but it was like okay, it’s, do I put the handbrake on of life or do I let life move as it is moving. And so that was the point that I started seeing people and having sessions with them. But it was very slowly, slowly, and very, you know, again, that ambivalence was very much there. It’s only been this last, sort of, six months, certainly six months, maybe a year that I’ve really stepped up into okay life, this is what you’re asking of me, alright I’m all in then. And you tell me where I need to go then, and that’s what’s happened. I ’m learning to trust myself on a deep, deep level and that ’s been a hard-won journey, but it’s been so fruitful for me to continually be in that journey actually.
Renate: Yeah, and so you give also divine light transmission by Zoom?
Renate: I never took part in one but I, I would like, I will take part in one and experience that.
Imogen: Yeah, yeah. It’s, you know, transmissions like my story suggests, I was skeptical of this. And yet I look back at my life and this idea of transmission was throughout it actually. It just depends on your definition of transmission really.
Renate: Yes. Well, yesterday we spoke a little bit about it and you had an interesting theory about how they might, how the world might wake up.
Renate: It might wake up through transmissions.
Imogen: I mean, I don’t know, I don’t know…
Renate: If enough people wake up and transmit it around like, like herd immunity. [laughs]
Imogen: Well, yeah, again I want to broaden out the conception of transmission in that we are all transmitting, you and I are transmitting here with that, we ’re emanating the experience of life. And to me, it’s modeling that and it used to be you had to go off into the Himalayan caves and there weren’t many people to model that. There weren’t many people for us to see what the possibility of living a life of freedom, of living a life as yourself prior to that conditioning of living a life of fullness. And so, now you just turn on the internet and there are people out there just being themselves and you see that and you feel it enlivened in you when you meet another person who is just so grounded in themselves. Then you feel that, you feel what that feels like in you in that moment as well. And so, I think there’s so many more people modeling that in the world and I think it’s a beautiful thing.
Renate: Beautiful. So, we have to finish now and I asked you to read one of your poems which I really love, would you like to do that now?
Imogen: Yes. “Life is a gift. A gift of grace. And with this recognition I bow to the feet of life in gratitude. Grace courses through us in everything we touch, in everything we experience. There is nothing that isn’t grace. It’s all by grace. For me, is the most powerful and humbling recognition, the acknowledgement that I have no control. That I am here, all of me, all of my experiencing – by grace”.
Renate: Thank you. Beautiful. So, yeah it’s the end, thank you Imogen for talking with me today and thank you for watching ConsciousTV and I hope to see you again soon. Bye, bye.
An excerpt from the May 24th Sunday Zoom group talking about how it takes courage along the spiritual path.
Details of the Sunday Zoom Groups and other events can be found on the ‘events’ page.
The YouTube link to this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rqGUB0IPEU&t=1s
We’re living in unprecedented times, certainly in living memory. And with unprecedented times comes uncertainty and a big step into the unknown. There’s no blueprint to follow. No way forward that can be relied on and measured against. No absolute solutions and answers. We are left flailing in the open-ended unknowingness of the moment, searching for a new ‘norm’, and whether we like it or not we’re called to stay nimble, stay fresh, and change with the moment.
So can we find peace and contentment in the midst of this, in the midst of uncertainty?
I would argue that this is much of what the spiritual awakening journey shows us and a lot can be learnt and mirrored from it for these current times.
Much of what characterises the spiritual quest is the breaking down of what you thought to be true and the emergence of a fresh perspective, often conception free and open with a lack of grasping at life – at least if you’ve really got down to the bottom of the quest. Or if you like – a spontaneous lived in the moment, unconditioned view of life. This requires a radical unknowingness and uncertainty because certainty is born of held beliefs based on, or built on, previous concepts of the conditioned mind.
When these conceptions begin to crack and fall apart we are left in a space of groundlessness with nothing to hold on to. A step into the wonder of this moment, like a small child without knowledge and ‘shoulds’ of how the world is.
The stability IS the uncertainty and unknowingness. Life becomes a playful exploration of whatever is showing up. No past or future are referenced, just an intimate and raw relationship with NOW.
And so I would argue our current state of affairs is similar. We can’t rely on past, because there is nothing of comparison on this scale that can be directly applied to right now. And we can’t rely on the future because we don’t know what that will bring. So what we are left with, not as a booby prize, but what is uncovered as the previously unseen gem, is this present moment.
Let this moment be known not by measurement and comparison, but by its direct felt and lived experience. The wind on your face, the sound of the birds, the person in the next room moving about, your beating heart and your breath as it moves through your lungs. Hold no reference point other than your direct experience of this moment. Hold no ideas in the mind of how this moment should go or shouldn’t go. Let this moment BE as it IS.
This is peace. This is contentment.
When there is no conception of what should be happening, you’re left with what IS happening. And if there is no should, there is no judgment.
A space opens up around this experience. The cage of the mind dissolves and you’re left with the wide open space of NOW.
But the other big piece to this puzzle for me is in the form of love. When you allow yourself to just simply BE in this unknowingness, this nowness, you’re placing no blinds on yourself or this moment. You are acting in the most loving way possible. You are not placing a limit where there is none. The loving acceptance of the full expression of life as it intimately unfolds.
With this peace quickly becomes joy. Joy is the loving expression of when peace is known in the heart.
Interview by Phil Escott for the Carnivore and Beyond Podcast talking about spirituality, awakening and ancestral health. For more information about Phil go to pureactivity.net
Along the way of the spiritual quest of Self discovery there are as many teachings, teachers, techniques and paths as you can shake a stick at. Many claim to be ‘the best’ or ‘only way’ and this plays into the seeker’s mind of “missing my chance”. But life shows us the untruth of this if we care to take a look.
Life is constantly providing opportunities to point back to the underlying nature of reality. The unified consciousness appearing in multi-faceted expressions that is life as we know it.
We need not worry about “am I following the correct teacher/path/teaching?” or feed the envious thoughts of “is the grass greener over there?” Have faith in yourself, trust your intuition and follow your nose. For your way into self discovery cannot be compared and judged by anyone else’s measure. Your path towards the liberation of your Self clarity from the limited ego-mind is mapped out perfectly for you. There are no wrong turns, no dead ends.
Yes, use teachers and pointings but hold them very lightly. See them as a tool, a mirror. Don’t be so attached that when they cease to serve their purpose, you have trouble distinguishing between what you have learnt from the outside and what you have discovered in your heart.
Sometimes we literally have to cast out that which no longer serves us. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t honour that it once did. We don’t have to reject or redact it out of our life story. But our maturity says, “this served beautifully that period of time, now is time for something different.”
Don’t stick with a teaching out of comfort, loyalty or fear. Honour that which you are drawn to not out of reaction but out of love. Stick with it because it points you back to good questions, methods or experiences of insight and discovery that ultimately lead to yourSelf. If it resonates and sparks curiosity or joy, take it all the way to the bottom until it transcends itself.
Have faith in your way and let life show you which turn it wants you to take next.
15 minute video excerpt from Imogen’s Bi-Monthly Zoom group on 23rd February, 2020.
When asked recently “How would I describe the work that I do?” I found it a very difficult thing for me to answer because in many ways I can’t define it as it feels too fluid, it is what’s called forth in any given moment. It changes person to person, session to session, moment to moment. But also I AM the work – my work is a reflection of me, of the work I’ve done, of the work I’m doing, of the lessons I’ve learnt, of the experiences I’ve been through, of who I was and who I am right now.
But many people assume the Divine Light Transmission is the focus of my ‘work’. It certainly seems that way as that’s what goes out most publicly to the world (If you don’t know what I’m on about take a look at the ‘watch‘ page), that and my writings. But the Divine Light Transmission for me is a modality, a tool albeit a powerful one, but much like how meditation or yoga, therapy, books, techniques and workshops are too. Yes it’s a part of what I do but it’s a tool, certainly not the wholeness.
For me the work and my focus, such as it is, is meeting people, connecting with people, holding their hand. Helping them to navigate their own life, their own questions and answers. Showing them how to trust themselves, how to trust life. Finding out where they are struggling and suffering. Being an open heart and a non judgmental space. Offering unconditional love. Being a mirror. Being an ally.
For as long as there are things like suffering, heartbreak, nonacceptance and confusion in this world there is work to be done, for all of us. And that work starts at home, inside of us. That’s where my main focus was for years, myself. Finding that unconditional love and acceptance for myself. Finding out who I was in all this. Finding my centre, my truth. Peeling away layers of old conditioning and false identification and finding ME.
And so when that journey inwards had come to an abiding stability of recognition and acceptance – A sort of full stop in one sense, the natural progression from there seemed outwards towards others. It’s not something I chose, in fact if anything I’ve resisted it every step of the way because “who was I to offer anything to anyone?” – All my knowingness and certainty had collapsed in a heap on the floor!
But when my heart was full of love and compassion for myself I found there was infinite space in there for more. I found myself having capacity and room for it all. My burdens were now lifted, (mostly) and there was now room for the burdens of others. Not as me trying to fix them, or take their burdens on as my own, but that I had room for them when they didn’t seem to have room for themselves. I had compassion and love for them when they maybe didn’t have much for themselves yet.
So what do I do? Back to this question that I hate to be pinned down on (lol)… I show up. I show up as me, and that me has space and time and love, and more importantly that life-trust that those that I meet with too have that available for themselves if they recognise who they truly are.
Divine Light Transmission is part of that showing up, because as a tool I’ve found it to help enormously – for myself and others. From my side the process of giving a transmission is almost like opening the energetic windows and doors of the person and guiding divine shakti (energy) into where it needs to go, to dissolve the thickets of views and concepts and bring the seat of ‘I’ out of the mind and into the heart of existence.
But my goal isn’t to awakening people per se, however I’ve found that awakening tends to be the solution to most problems and the Divine Light Transmission (along with Satsang/talking) seems to help with that in a rapid and powerful way. But if awakening isn’t what’s being called forth, then that’s fine too. I have no agenda… no need for this ‘work’, this me, this showing up, to look a certain way.
If someone has cut their hand and turns to me for help, I would show up in that way. With clean water and bandages, tea and sympathy, love and compassion, and lots of tissues to wipe the tears from their eyes. I move where life calls me and have zero ideas of what that looks like.
Sometimes it means laughing together, sometimes it means crying, sometimes it means sharing or teaching, and sometimes it means listening and learning. Sometimes it just means Being. But whatever it is… I’m there, fully. I am me, and you are you and I require nothing of you other than to be your own light, your own truth in whatever way that is.
My ‘work’ is a natural outpouring of life when there is no holding back, no questioning why, no trying to BE anything, just a flow of life meeting life. Life LOVING life.
~ Imogen Sita
Make no mistake you will be judged and you will be misunderstood along your path of life.
The question is will you hold true to the discovery of YOUR truth, no another’s? Will you stand up for your direct experience rather than someone else’s ideals?
“There’s never a point at which you can stray from your path. Everything that happens IS your path. There’s no wrong turns, just the next chapter of your story.”
In my life journey thus far I’ve had to transgress two* major spiritual paths/groups/movements that were both whole-life encompassing – Guru, lifestyle, friends and family, home, job, it felt like a lot could and would be lost. It’s was for sure a very difficult thing to navigate but I feel it’s important to share and talk about as I see a lot of people dealing with this, particularly in the realm of spiritual organisations.
Over time I’ve actually come to see that it’s a totally normal and healthy part of ‘spiritual’ development (I say spiritual lightly as I actually believe it’s not spiritual, it’s LIFE). Moving beyond our seemingly secure boundaries of experience, paradigms and conditioning – the known. It’s a hugely vulnerable place to be – the unchartered territory of our life, where we let go of the known and step forth into the openness of the unknown.
“You’re losing your way”, “you’re falling off the path” these were ideas that were offered up and I became fearful of, that I would ‘miss my chance’ for enlightenment and make a wrong turn/decision. Choose the wrong door, and therefore closing the other doors forever. Take an irreversible action. Being judged for that. That my life would fall apart, my source of income and/or home (which was tied in) would be gone forever or that my support network would reject me. That I would be left all alone with no support and no stability. These are touching on fundamental human fears and it’s terrifying to be faced with them.
It seems like a lot of groups (not just spiritually orientated ones – but that’s what I’m focused on here) like to have partisan loyalty in addition to claiming proprietary ownership of spiritual ideas, techniques, sadhana. “My way is the best”, “my way is the only way”. And the sanghas around them seem to naturally enforce this with the tribal pressure to be part of the group – after all we love to have this feeling of “I belong.”
So when we are faced with the reality that we find life moving in a different direction (path) or moving beyond what we have got already going on, what then? When our inner light and intuition is calling us somewhere else.
The Guru/organisation/technique/practice that we have held so dear, that has changed our life, that has provided a sense of comfort and belonging, or has given us huge amounts of growth and insight – what do we do when our loyalty to this is at odds with what is now showing up? Maybe a new Guru or technique has caught our attention. Or it maybe in our heart we see that we need to drop the prescribed practice or orthodoxy given to us in favour of something else, or even… dare I say… to drop it all! But in doing so we are going against our Guru, our Sangha, our community. Then it feels like a decision needs to be made: Do I stay within this current paradigm, or move out of the comfort and follow this new thing, transgressing the status quo, risking stability and everything I hold dear and drop it all?
There are no answers that someone else can tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing in the face of this – there is no right or wrong.
But anything – person (Guru), organisation or otherwise, that is trying to limit your expression and experience of life (especially by fear and/or control) will cause you to hit up against the ‘wall’ or boundary of that doctrine at some point – it’s for you to see what happens, does that wall crumble or does it stay intact… either way there are no wrong answers.
There are no mistakes in life, we are presented with exactly what we need to learn, grow and expand – no exceptions. The mind can argue either side of an argument that it’s presented with in apparently logical ways – so no help and comfort can be found there.
What actual actions/decisions get taken are a choice-less choice, it’s all a happening – any ‘choice’ is a commentary or story of the mind. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, it can feel disempowering, confusing and sometimes at odds (heart vs head stuff – all is fickle). But yes, choices appear, our life moves on regardless of those choices. We have to accept our reality as it happens, (talk about real-time updates!!) and have no loyalty to the fear of the future or to the past/past ways of thinking.
For me it was about ‘the next obvious thing’, it wasn’t about analysing it (although it would have been all too easy to go there). Life presented the next obvious thing and it was a leap of faith and trust that this was what was meant to happen and that it was for the good. That ‘next obvious thing’ for me turned out to be following my own light and transgressing, transcending and to some extent including, each group/teaching that I encountered. It wasn’t about surrendering to the fearful projections of what might be, it was about what was happening right here, right now. Looking back, those transgressions were absolutely necessary for me (and I would argue most other people too).
So what am I saying…Transgressing prescribed spiritual paths is part and parcel of growth: we use the raft to cross the river but then abandon the raft at the other bank. But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Group dynamics instill a sense of stability, duty and fear, offering pressure that it’s “this way or none” and that you’ll miss your chance at the promised land. But when a natural growth beyond these boundaries occurs then it’s nothing to be fearful of. What happens is what is meant to happen. We don’t know what the future holds (unfortunately this gives no comfort to a mind that wants guarantees and plans). But this to me is where trust, surrender, courage and humility come in.
Open your heart and have the courage to be a light unto yourself, shake off the shackles of shoulds and step forth into the unknown and trust yourself, trust your inner truth, surrender to what is unfolding.
*[Addendum: Little did I know that a matter of weeks after writing this that I would be faced with a 3 for 3 scenario and we would be parting ways with another spiritual Guru/organisation/teaching. Like I said nature throws up the next obvious step, the next unfoldment. So we are at the start of our next chapter, hopefully that is it for us and spiritual organisations…. but who knows what the future will hold ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Watch this space……! ~ Imogen 8/8/18]
There’s so much of my spiritual path/story that I haven’t yet shared on this blog or social media. Not because I feel the need to hide it, I’m not particularly attached to privacy even, but because I’m still living it each and every moment. The implications not yet seen, the fullness of understanding not yet known. And yet the more I walk this path, this world, the less and less the need to understand, the need for certainty seems to matter to me.
These days I find the words are there less and less. The *need* to communicate less and less. But somehow these last few weeks it feels like there’s an elephant in the room that I’ve not been addressing, in the past few months its been somewhat stopping me from publicly writing more than a few snippets here and there. More and more my private writings seem to be addressing this. There’s been a shift in my focus, but somehow to talk of it I feel the need to contextualise it with my story a bit more.
Two and a half years ago I experienced a life shattering shift (just over a year after the first glimpse of non-dual awareness in April 2014 – The Collision That Changed Everything), not a bad life shattering, a beautiful and indescribable life shattering after I received a 15 minute Awakening Transmission over Skype from a spiritual teacher from San Diego, CA.
SHAKTIPAT & HOW I CAME TO KNOW ABOUT IT
For anyone that knows me, you’ll know I’m not much one for woo-woo and spiritual new-age modalities. I wasn’t brought up with ideas and words such as ‘chakras’ and ‘kundalini’, I came from the worlds of Transcendental Meditation and Self-inquiry. Over the years I had experienced many times over the strong presence of an enlightened sage or master, but somehow I never gave the idea of transmissions much weight in terms of its ability to directly awaken someone. My inherited view was that years of meditation, study and a pure sattvic physiology was what was needed to stabilise in non-dual awareness. Later on this view was replaced with Self-Inquiry as a means to root out the pernicious I-ego belief. But in 2015 my views on spiritual transmission as a means to awakening, unexpectedly changed.
In early 2015 my husband Martyn arranged a Skype session to receive a spiritual transmission after reading the book ‘1000’ in which describes the different levels of consciousness and how spiritual energy transmission is a means to rapidly increase one’s level of consciousness.
I won’t sugar coat it, at the time I saw it as a desperate seeker’s Hail Mary. I was pretty darn skeptical – some guy waving his hands at you over Skype and you become ‘enlightened’…. just like that?! Yet in the following weeks and months I saw such a dramatic change in him that my skepticism soon morphed into curiosity. Gone was the tortured suffering of a seeker, and in its place an ease, lightness of life and wisdom that was enticing to witness. About six months later I sat on my own Skype call. Still slightly skeptical (ok, pretty skeptical) but also totally open and ready to experience a spiritual transmission for myself. And with that one transmission my world as I knew it changed..
THE POST TRANSMISSION EXPERIENCE
Everything that I thought I knew to be true dissolved in an instant. What came next was a discovery if you like, learning to live life a new, a fresh in each and every moment, as if I was a baby experiencing life’s firsts all over again.
After the initial few months of integration (which wasn’t an easy time… but that’s another story) the words began to flow. Gush in fact. I couldn’t stop them. And so I started this blog – Beyond Imogen. I spoke to whoever would listen, and I spoke to no-one, but the words seemed unending. I would wake up in the middle of the night, grab my phone or a notebook and write as these words came thick and fast, a tidal wave of description and insight.
And then one day, silence. The words stopped, the writing stopped.
That was about 18 months ago.
ONWARDS INTO THE UNKNOWN
So much has gone on since, so much and yet in many ways nothing at all. This peace, this ease, this deep abiding love and causeless joy of life, this ever-present Isness, this inescapable multifaceted raw human existence, it’s oh so obvious. There are no words. No words do it justice, no words capture the totality of it. This silence is far more eloquent than words could ever come close to.
And now….another phase seems to be opening up, a new level of integration.
As to my writing, now I respond, the words flow forth when they do, when there is someone to hear them. I feel the calling to be more intimate, more personal, no holds barred – share what is called for. But now it’s not really about the words, the words are the side dish, the appetizer.
What’s coming tonight is the acknowledgement that this life, this movement of Grace is far more than meets the eye. Far more and yet actually much more simple than I could ever have imagined.
Over two and a half years on and I want to acknowledge is that that transmission was a dramatic catalyst for me. Lord knows it’s not the only thing that can bring about that realisation of one’s true nature. But for me, in the story that is my life, it was. Somehow it feels like the elephant in the room not to say it, acknowledge it. It seems so mystical, so woo woo to many, most don’t understand it. Hell I don’t understand it! But then life itself is incomprehensible and totally mystical. So here I stand, acknowledging that the world of Transmissions and Divine Mother collided with my life in a way that forever changed everything. But that’s certainly not to dismiss the teachers and teachings that came before in my path that so profoundly impacted me also. I am forever grateful, nothing can be dismissed, and yet nothing can truly be attributed – it’s all just a happening in the līlā of life.
In November 2017 the opportunity came to learn to be a transmission giver and I couldn’t help but say yes. In my heart of hearts I feel my only desire and purpose in life, in light of all this, is to help others to realize and experience their own effortless nature, Sahaja Samadhi. The freedom and peace that I experience life to be is such a gift that anything that I can be part of to help others recognise this…. I happily do so.
All love ~ Imogen Sita
“The only path is the path of Grace. All is Grace.”
The image of relationships and enlightenment don’t normally go hand in hand. The stereotyped image of the ‘enlightened monk’, shunning the material householder life is something that’s been around in spiritual traditions for a long time. So out of this there comes the common misconception that you can’t be in a relationship and be successful on the ‘spiritual path’. But being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that awakening can’t be there too. The relationship doesn’t have to go, only the attachment to the relationship has to go. Don’t get me wrong, the result of that dropped attachment may actually be that the relationship ends. Ultimately that’s what was meant to happen, and all attachments do eventually fall away – what’s left is what’s left, maybe the relationship will be there, maybe not.
My own relationship has taught me that relationships in themselves aren’t some obstructive thing that stops you from realizing your own nature. Having said that, I lived through the often painful dropping of the attachment to my relationship with my husband Martyn. We found ourselves at an impasse after he had a spiritual awakening that in the wake of he felt he could no longer be at the ashram where we were living, and I felt I couldn’t be anywhere else. He couldn’t be there, and I couldn’t NOT be there; this resulted in us parting ways with no end to our separation in sight. When we said our goodbyes they were potentially permanent goodbyes, we didn’t have any idea if we would ever see each other again. There was immense love for one another, but our situation in life was physically parting us and it was torture.
I cried myself to sleep for the days and weeks that followed. I spent my days on the verge of crying, feeling like my insides had been ripped out. And yet there was nothing I could do other than endure it. Connection to the internet for both of us was incredibly patchy so we would maybe speak once a week, and because of the turmoil that both of us were feeling it would invariable end up in an argument – often over how to resolve the situation, or ending with an angry and frustrated, “well it’s over then!?!”.
I felt torn, I wanted to be with him, but I felt I needed to be where I was. My life appeared to be crumbling before my eyes, such strong seemingly overwhelming feelings were right at the forefront of my experience. I was suffering and I felt so alone.
The suffering that I was experiencing all came from the expectation of how I imagined or conceived the relationship ‘should be’ rather than how it actually is/was. This ‘should’ was now not being met, and the attachment to this ‘should’ was a strong one. In relationships we may not even notice that there’s attachment there, (especially if for the most part it’s been a smooth sailing healthy relationship like mine was) but there’s always a subtle fear of loss, and from this, suffering can arise. In this attachment we are either always holding on to something we have with a feeling of fear or loss, or trying to get something that we feel we lack.
It’s funny because in the wake of this or rather the flip side, I also felt a sense of strength in my new found independence. We had been together since I was 18 so it was a completely new experience to not have to worry or think about anyone else, to make decisions without referring to anyone else was a liberating feeling. So even with this turmoil there I also experienced the growth and discovery of strength that I didn’t know I had. I experienced who I was away from who I took myself to be within our relationship; who I was living prior to any labels and ideas of being a ‘someone’ to ‘somebody else’.
At the pinnacle of that torturous two months I began having ‘panic attacks’. I couldn’t deal with these strong emotions, they got the the point where it wasn’t even strong emotions, it was just intense energy coursing through my veins. I spoke to both Martyn and the spiritual teacher at the ashram about this and both gave me pretty much the same pointing:
“Don’t give so much importance to this energy, trying to understand and work it out, just feel it. Let it pass through you. See that you are aware of all of this happening.”
I felt like I was talked down from the ledge a few times by them. But eventually the innocent observation of these strong energies led me to be able to let go of the attachment I had about being physically together. An ease came about in accepting what was (is). This was among one of the most difficult times of my life thus far, but with it came an openness and an acceptance of what was showing up in my life. I let go of any ideas of how the relationship ‘should’ be – good or bad, it didn’t matter – everything had to go.
Throughout all this upheaval I intuitively knew that what was happening was somehow inevitable; to have the attachment of the relationship torn from me. I had to accept the separation and along with it the attachment to Martyn and our wonderful relationship, for it was the non-acceptance that was causing immeasurable suffering.
It’s funny, once this attachment had given way to acceptance everything immediately shifted, and a few weeks later an opportunity for Martyn and I live in a house in the nearby village came up. And so to our complete surprise, we found ourselves once again in physical proximity when only weeks before that possibility looked lost forever. The attachment to the relationship and the shoulds and should-nots have never returned. I know that both individually and in our relationship we continue to evolve, and whatever happens – whether we stay together or not – it doesn’t hold the same neediness of attachment.
I see now what a gift it was to have this strong and intensely embedded attachment brought so clearly (and painfully) to the surface. For it was in this hard lesson of letting go that I was able to clearly recognise my essential nature, prior to all attachments, all concepts of ‘shoulds’, and all suffering.
It’s so easy to fall into the spiritual trap of feeling like you’ve ‘got it’. After spending many years doing spiritual practices there may be a deepening and deepening understanding of what’s being spoken of and pointed to. This intellectual understanding coupled with spiritual or awakening experiences, and life can start to look a hell of a lot rosier. Maybe you’ve gone through some tough times, some mind attacks and such, and coming out the other side everything feels lighter and more blissful, the annoying person who cut in line isn’t bothering you any more. It’s like the contrast of that tight constricted suffering compared with the light airy, no troubled feeling comes as such a relief. And when it lasts for longer and longer with more frequency and with less and less trouble you can’t be blamed for thinking ‘I’ve got it’.
When I was writing the about page for this website something became quite apparent. Why do we focus on the ‘story’ of all of this? It’s like the story is taken to be so real, it’s seen like a path that has to be followed. That one action led to another, and another, and another until all the actions culminated in “this is how to it was done to reach this outcome”.
It is supposing that all of this description is actually a prescription. So… if you meditate for X number of years, followed by some big event that leads you to question life, and then followed by walking out of your life, giving up everything and going to live in an ashram… these will equate to…… Ta Da!!