To be in a close and sustained relationship with another that provides a clear mirror and crucible for burning through all that you are not is one of the greatest blessings of this temporary dream we call life.
There is not a moment in life that I am not cognisant of this gift that life brought me in the form of Martyn, my husband. We have been together for 19 years and there’s not a day that goes by that I am not filled to the brim with gratitude for him and for our relationship.
Life in many other ways has brought great aloneness, challenges and heartbreak in my life. Life lessons that required me again and again to chart my own way, to walk through the darkness towards my own light. It has not been easy. It is still not easy. To have no path, to have no-one else to rely on in that sense. My life again and again goes through cycles of birth, death and re-birth, sometimes faster than a breath that causes such whiplash. Sometimes years upon years in the making that it feels never-ending. Much of it goes unseen to the world, except to those that recognise it themselves.
But life gave me a companion in the true sense of the word. A husband, a partner, a lover, a best buddy, a mirror, a teacher, a sane voice in an often insane world, a fellow mystic, a fellow life explorer, a fellow traveller and nomad, a kind and open heart and place to land, and above all a bright light of Truth and Love. He is all of these things and much much more.
To have someone who unconditionally loves you, who see you, who gets you. Who bears witness to your worst sides and darkest moments and yet loves you more and more regardless. Who inspires you to be the best you can be. Who doesn’t suffocate or demand you to be anything other than you are. Who doesn’t ask you do anything other than what feels true in your heart. Who walks with you hand in hand – alone together.
To have that kind of love, that kind of depth of clarity in your life is rare. I am not blind to that. I am not blind to the rarity of the gift that life has given me.
We are by no means perfect, no relationship is. We have our hard times, our disconnected times, our times of hurt, anger and misunderstanding. But again and again the biggest thing is that at every difficult turn, there is a turning into, a doubling down, a deepening into each other.
To use the difficulties as a vehicle to come to a deeper understanding of ourselves, a deeper understanding of each other. And ultimately, to bottom out in a deeper love.
Our relationship has bore witness to countless iterations of each other as individuals, and of the relationship itself. To not hold onto a past version of ourselves, each other and the relationship has been both one of the hardest things and also one of the easiest, but more than that, one of the most rewarding and transformative things.
Within the vessel of this relationship, and in my view, BECAUSE of it, I have grown and flourished beyond measure. I have come to places where I never dream possible. Places I didn’t even know I wanted or needed.
I have plumbed such depths and such darkness’s. I found love beyond beyond beyond any and all ideas I might have held of what love is. True, unconditional and universal love. I have found God, I have found my Self. I have learned the true power and wisdom of inclusion, of compassion, of acceptance. I have learned also the wisdom, the power and the love of no’s, of boundaries, of sovereignty.
To feel so wholly supported, wholly loved… and it is honestly quite hard to put into words what that does for someone.
But you know it when you see it, when you experience it.
And I know it.
With every fibre of my being.
Thank you Martyn.
Thank you life.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am truly blessed and I hope that I never become blind or complacent to what this blessing truly is.